Recent events that coincided with my life has me thinking about pursuing more goals as well as dreams and actually getting up and chasing them rather than just saying I'm all in or I am doing so to others which would be a horrid lie. Though its something I often do so others will not and rather cannot look down upon me for what I haven't yet achieved as well as have achieved but to them it only seems minor. It all dawned upon me and shook me with a cold fear of death and made me look at life in a perspective where I was already viewing it but I didn't see myself viewing it so I became lost in the nostalgia of it and it was sickening. Just the simple thought and the process of looking at everyone else's progression whether socially, physically or monetary wise. Then becoming physically as well as emotionally sick looking at my own life and age pondering is this all that I'm capable of for forever or right now. If so is this life and is this right? I felt like i've thrown up subconsciously a million and one times from this feeling of being plateaued or this sudden fear of regression. As for being physically sick i've done that as well and its frightening Just thinking will I ever find or attempt to seek out progression. Images of others success are like shots, daggers, bolts, heartbreak and simply anything that could cause infliction or severe damage to my overall well being especially my mind as well my heart. It drives me to do more but it cuts off my limbs while slowly cutting my neck from side to side again and again the more i progress making it harder to even move. This is my life and I want change more than a hundred dollar bill or a person wanting to catch a bus or simply to motivate my own campain like President Obama in 2008 seeking election. I also want to retain this change as well these feeling of change in not only my eyes but the eyes of my peers who stares are only leers like im President Obama in 2012 when he won re election even though everything seemed broken and divided. There is a way whether hardwork, will or luck and let me not forget faith. I want it all so bad that im lost in it and the feelings is liking being in a fresh grave trapped in a casket six feet deep with your peers throwing not flowers only dirt but also fire as well as water mixed with gasoline on top of that casket. You cant escape a feeling like that you have to embrace it and thats exactly what im going to do because i've been sitting on the edge of this plateau for way to long and the funny thing is that im afraid of heights but im going to jump. Hopefully i'll land in the gracious hands of destiny but if not i guess i'll once again return to the hells of my own misery. In a way what all that I just said is merely pathetic and sad. Yet i can't help but feel a bit relieved to share it as well as being able to get it off of my chest and mind. If theres one thing i hope to regain from what follows all of this is becoming not a step closer but rather being at the front door of my dreams. Sent from Catch Notes for Android https://catch.com
